Hey all you lovelies!
Well my pitch is up thanks to the marvellous Deana Barnhart so I'd really appreciate some help with it. I'm super keen to enter this agent pitch later this week so I need all the shredding I can get.
If you guys have a free moment to help out, I'm buried way, way down at #60.
I wasn't going to blog which number I was (you know, because of the amenity of it all) BUT I'm in need of some massive help that only you fabulous followers can give me.
If you guys made it in, or you have a pitch on your blog I haven't helped out with yet - let me know in the comments. I'd be only too happy to help!
Lots and lots of luck with the pitch. I admire anyone going in for this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Donna! I'm actually really excited about it; every critique opens my eyes up to problems I couldn't see for myself - I'm way past the point of taking constructive feedback badly. It's just when people write hurtful things but thankfully there's none of that so far.
ReplyDeleteAnd Tamara, thank you for being so fast to get on it! Some very valid points that I read and was like 'well, duh! Heather...' *hugs*
I'm like that. So often, critiquing of will end with me facepalming.
DeleteI've yet to read through the pitches (been doing some revising of my pitch). I've got a lot of catching up to do. Hopefully, RL will let me go through them.
I'm #90. Although, I'm a such a glutton for critique, I've got a different pitch on my blog.
I know what you mean! There are so many pitches to try and get through! Good luck if you're entering the agent pitch contest.
DeleteHi Heather, Thanks for joining my blog(A Nest of Words)! I've just joined yours too. I'll see if I can find you on Twitter after I look up your PitchPolish entry to see if I can add anything to the conversation.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for helping out Rhiann! I think you know way more about queries than you give yourself credit for. I definitely suffer from making things too vague but it's a hard habit to quit.
DeleteYour critique was super helpful :)
Hi! I'll head over to your pitch and check it out. Mine is 78, if you want to look at it. Have a great day and thanks for coming by my blog! Yours is very professional looking!
ReplyDeleteHey! Thank you for your feedback on my blog. Here are my thoughts on your query :)
ReplyDeleteenna Rose has just found out she's a majesty with crazy cool powers [LIKE?]. Her whole family has been [IS THIS PART IN THE STORY? IF SO, USE PRESENT TENSE] relocated to Florende, a military capitol and safe haven for majestieS, [WHERE] Jenna attends an elite school that teaches her control and defence. [W]hen she graduates, she too, can protect the city.
It's been fifteen years since the Cordels last attacked so no one really knows what the majesties are still fighting for.[WHERE'S THE CONNECTION TO THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH? IS JENNA THE ONE WONDERING THIS, OR IS IT A COMMON QUESTION?] The norms are sick of the oppression[, SICK OF] doing all the dirty jobs while the majesties host parties and fancy combat events. Jenna's sister is one of those norms, and she's not used to being overlooked.
While the norms lash out inside Florende, the Cordels [WHO ARE THEY EXACTLY?] are sending in their scouts. They've heard all about Jenna, the majesty who can copy another's powers [TELL US THIS POWER EARLIER]. [W]hat they haven't heard is [THAT] every time Jenna uses her power, it sends her just that little bit over the edge. [WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?]
Jenna's school feeds her paranoia, and she's sure something big is coming. [WHAT PARANOIA? IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN BY 'OVER THE EDGE?'] She's seen the signs, witnessed the unexplainable, but all the evidence dissolves. Soon, Jenna can't tell the difference between what's real, and what's in her head. [IM NOT SURE WHAT EVENTS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT...SOMETHING W/ THE CORDELS OR..?]
Florende is collapsing from the inside.
Jenna's sister is helping bring it down.
The Cordels are getting ready from the outside.
And, piece-by-piece, Jenna feels like she's losing control.
[HER SISTER'S INVOLVEMENT NEEDS TO BE SAID EARLIER]
You'll be safe there, they said. They were wrong.
YOU HAVE A REALLY INTRIGUING PLOT, BUT I THINK YOU CAN PARE IT DOWN TO THE ESSENTIALS: JENNA HAS POWERS THAT SHE STRUGGLES WITH, THERE'S AN OUTSIDE FORCE, SOMEONE CLOSE TO HER IS A TRAITOR, ETC.
Thanks so much Lauren! I'm getting so much great advice; it looks like there are a few reoccurring things that clearly need to be smoothed out.
ReplyDeleteHi! Sorry for being so late to the party but I've been having server problems all week. I've read your pitch and this is what I think:
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit unclear to me how old is Jenna supposed to be. It'd stand to reason that she's an adult given the genre, but the words on your pitch made me assume she's a teenager. You might have to clarify a little there.
I liked this: "Soon, Jenna can't tell the difference between what's real, and what's in her head." It's an awesome hanger.
Also, this intrigues me: "The Cordels are getting ready from the outside." I'd like to know more about it.
As for your 150 words... you have an awesome voice. I'd read the whole book based on your sample words.
Over all, a very creative story.
If you've got some time before the window of submissions opens, feel free to give me your thoughts on my pitch here: http://johanalvera.blogspot.com/2012/09/pimped-up-pitch.html
Thank so much Johana! It's never too late for feedback :)
DeleteAnd Jenna is a teenager, I forgot to mention YA in the submission. Awkward...