Thanks to the amazing advice you guys gave me I've revised. AND I'm hoping you'll be lovely enough to 'have at' the new version.
Come
to Florende, you’ll be safe there. That’s what they
promised.
Jenna Rose was dumb enough to believe them.
As a majesty, it's law for Jenna to defend the city against attack from
the Cordels, and while Jenna is primed for high society and made to attend
cut-throat combat events, her sister has to slum it with the norms.
The Cordels haven’t attacked in fifteen
years, and the inequality in Florende has shortened the norms’ memories. With
the bloodbath forgotten, the norms are over the oppression and the waste of time and money the majesty's training is costing them. But the Cordel’s have
heard about Jenna, the majesty that can steal powers from another, and while
the norms rebel inside Florende the Cordel’s are sending in their scouts. What
no one seems to realise, is the problem with Jenna’s majesty. And the more she's made to use it, the further her sanity slips over the edge.
Florende is collapsing from the inside.
Jenna’s sister is helping make it happen.
The Cordel’s are getting ready on the
outside.
And, piece-by-piece, Jenna feels like she’s
losing control.
You’ll
be safe there, they said. They were wrong.
'Ello! I'm totally procrasting on my English homework, so I decided, "Hey, let's go stalk Heather's blog!"
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I did. Any chance to help someone get a step closer to their dream is always worth it.
(Even though my English teacher may disagree right now. My French teacher probably would too. But I digress.)
Anyways, I like how much more concise the pitch is. It's short, sweet, and straight to the point.
One thing I would suggest though, is putting more emphasis on how Jenna's losing her sanity. If I'm correct, that's one of the very main conflicts and is very integral to the story. I liked what you wrote in the last query* so I personally think that you should try to incorporate that (or part of it) back in.
*(I'm talking about this: "She’s sure something big is coming. She’s seen the signs, witnessed the unexplainable; the only thing lacking is evidence. The problem is, Jenna can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s in her head.")
Everything else is just little stuff that I personally would do, but you don't have to, like:
- I'd want Jenna's sister's name. It feels a little funny reading "Jenna's sister" in that last part with the one-liners, and I think it takes away from the effect of it a bit.
- The use of "shortened" when talking about the memories is a little odd. Perhaps using "altered" or "adjusted" instead?
- There's a comma I would put in ("...inside Florende, the Cordel’s...") and one I would take out ("... to realise is...").
Once again, those are my opinions, and if you think those things work as they are, then that's fine. The only thing I'd really ask is, once again, putting in more about how Jenna's slowly losing her sanity.
Other than that, everything looks good! Here's hoping that I helped, and that when you send this new pitch out there, everything goes great!
- May :)
Thanks for the feedback May! I really liked that line to and only cut it to shorten things but maybe I'll put it back in :)
DeleteAnd I'm always happy to help procrastinate, I'm rather good at it. In fact, I'm doing it right now :P
Hi Heather!
ReplyDeleteI like your revision and honestly, I felt like this is pretty good. I could feel the tension and the betrayal.
Like May, I like the word altered memory, unless her memory really has been shortened. But the word altered just seems to have a more tension filled feel to it, if that makes sense:)
I wanted to let you know you do have the kink to your blog in your profile. (you asked about that in the comments of my blog!)
Also, I plan to have my awards and meme posted later tonight! Thanks for giving me such a great award:)