 |
| http://xroads.virginia.edu/~cap/sam/sam.htm |
It's now less than 6 hours until I can enter my pitch for Deana's GUTGAA pitch contest. It is this contest that could get my work in front of an agent if I'm lucky enough. I have tough competition though, from hundreds of other hopefuls. And they're good - I've seen the pitches I'm up against.
So I want - no NEED - your help! I've had my pitch critiqued and revised based on some of the comments I've had.
I'm still having my doubts about whether it's ready though, which is where you dear people come in.
First, does my pitch get your attention? Second, are there any big issues you can spot? And third, does it completely suck?
PLEASE be honest. I don't want to hear how great it is unless you legitimately think that. Otherwise, it doesn't help at all. So here goes.
My Pitch.
Come
to Florende, they said. You’ll be safe there, they said.
Jenna Rose has found out she’s a majesty
with the power to copy another’s gift. For safety, her whole family is
relocated to Florende, a military capitol and safe haven from the Cordels,
where Jenna attends a school that teaches her control and defence. When she
graduates, she too can protect the city.
It’s been fifteen years since the Cordel’s
last attacked so no one really knows what the majesties are still protecting
them from. The norms are sick of the oppression. They’re over doing the dirty
jobs while the majesties host parties and fancy combat events. Jenna’s sister
is one of those norms. And she’s not used to being overlooked.
While the norms are causing trouble inside
Florende, the Cordel’s are sending in their scouts. They’ve heard all about
Jenna, and they plan to use her to their advantage. What they haven’t heard is
that every time Jenna uses her power, her sanity slips that little bit over the
edge. She’s sure something big is coming. She’s seen the signs, witnessed the
unexplainable; the only thing lacking is evidence. The problem is, Jenna can’t
tell the difference between what’s real and what’s in her head.
Florende is collapsing from the inside.
Jenna’s sister is helping to bring it down.
The Cordel’s are getting ready on the
outside.
And, little-by-little, Jenna feels like
she’s losing control.
You’ll
be safe there, they said. They were wrong.
I was contemplating changing 'they' in the first and last sentences to 'he' as it doesn't make a massive difference. And I'm super worried that all the editing has torn my 'voice' from the page.
I don't know. That's why I need help.
What did you think?
Hey Heather!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you didn't make it into the agent round:(
There is still the small press contest?? Are you going to try for that one? I may try. but I want to see who the presses are, first.
Keep writing, your sunshine is coming!
Talynn
Thanks Talynn! I feel so bad for you missing the time! And yeah there's a 99% chance I'll be going for the small press contest. Even if they're only smaller presses, an offer from them would still be enough to entice an agent. Aw well. Like someone on your post said, the query advice was invaluable.
DeleteThat is a bummer about not getting into the agent round:( So, the query. I got some great advice on my query and wanted to steel some of it and pass it along. First, I'm not sure what genre this is, is it fantasy? That will help me determine the naming devices of places and people.
ReplyDeleteSecond, there are multiple story lines, which all seemed tied together, but what is Jenna's main problem? Go with the main conflict straight away - whatever that conflict is. Is it Jenna losing her mind? Or her being a political pawn and having her sister go against her? I'm not sure how Jenna's gift is powerful either.
Once you've established your main conflict, your stakes and possible outcomes become clearer.
Personally, I hate writing queries. I stink at taking an 85,000 word manuscript that I'm so close to, and summing it up in 400 words.
I can tell you have an exciting story by the number of problems Jenna has to face. I really like the ending line it is a great hook. And man, finding a great hook is tough. So, great job there.
Go for the small press contest. All of these exercises make us better writers.
:) Cheers, Rachel Dillon
ThroughEndangeredEyes.blogspot.com
Urgh! I know Rachel, it's almost painful. It's so hard to get the good parts in, create a connection with the MC, AND show voice. *dies*
DeleteDid you make it in? Hope so! Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteJust read the other comments...fingers crossed you make it into the small press contest. ;)
DeleteThanks Kim! Fingers crossed I get into that round because it's just a good way to gauge how your query goes out there. If I don't get any votes, I know I still have a bit of work to do. If I get through and don't get any requests, I still know I'm that little bit closer.
DeleteHi Heather
ReplyDeleteYour MS sounds really great. I would have to say the the query is currently reading like a synopsis and it is a bit long. I hate condensing too but focus on the main conflict the character, stakes and outcome for your main character .
I managed to get into the pitch polish and the agent round and I didn't wait up till 1am. Here is what I did.
If you are using outlook, before you send click options then there is a delay delivery tab. I set the date and time, it's works out as the following day at 1am then send. It will sit in your outbox and at precisely 1am it will send. Make sure your computer is set to full power options no going to sleep and make sure it is plugged in. I tried this for the Brenda Drake Pitchmadmess however and the next morning it was still sitting in my outbox but it was because I had altered the document and I hadn't hit send again so it thought I was still in the options tab.
I hope this helps you get into the small press round. I am no expert on queries , but I hope this helps. Of course if you don't trust it you can always hit send at 1am. Lol and best of luck.
I was using hotmail, do you know if it has that option? Knowing me, I'd still probably have issues. And thanks for the advice, I'm going to do a major rewrite before the small press which I may post here.
DeleteHi Heather
ReplyDeleteYour MS sounds really great. I would have to say the the query is currently reading like a synopsis and it is a bit long. I hate condensing too but focus on the main conflict the character, stakes and outcome for your main character .
I managed to get into the pitch polish and the agent round and I didn't wait up till 1am. Here is what I did.
If you are using outlook, before you send click options then there is a delay delivery tab. I set the date and time, it's works out as the following day at 1am then send. It will sit in your outbox and at precisely 1am it will send. Make sure your computer is set to full power options no going to sleep and make sure it is plugged in. I tried this for the Brenda Drake Pitchmadmess however and the next morning it was still sitting in my outbox but it was because I had altered the document and I hadn't hit send again so it thought I was still in the options tab.
I hope this helps you get into the small press round. I am no expert on queries , but I hope this helps. Of course if you don't trust it you can always hit send at 1am. Lol and best of luck.
Hey! So, the last two times I commented on a post of yours, I don't know how but the comments disappeared. So I'm hoping third time's the charm and this'll show up.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, because I have absolutely *no* experience writing queries (I need to finish a book for that part -___-), I'm not sure how much of this advice you'd want to take. But if you think any of this helps, feel free to use it. :)
First off, I think you have a really great storyline and it's totally something I'd want to read. It sounds super interesting and I love when people lose their minds in a story. The introspectiveness (I think that's the word...) always make me giddy, in a strange, non-sadistic way.
However, it felt to me that the focus was a tad scattered, especially since I saw a snippet of the story you put up a while ago for critique and saw that it was written in first-person. I think if you changed the wording of certain things in the query to make them more focused on Jenna, it could be more effective. When a book is written in first person, it's that character's perspective, and the reader should know what the character knows. Or, in some cases of your query, you could tell what the character *doesn't* know.
Like when it says, "It’s been fifteen years since the Cordel’s last attacked so no one really knows what the majesties are still protecting them from. The norms are sick of the oppression. They’re over doing the dirty jobs while the majesties host parties and fancy combat events." You could change it to something such as, "But Jenna's discovering that after fifteen years without a Cordel attack, the norms are unsure of what the majesties are protecting them from, and they’re sick of the oppression. They’re done with doing the dirty jobs while the majesties host parties and fancy combat events."
Another example is when you write, "While the norms are causing trouble inside Florende, the Cordel’s are sending in their scouts. They’ve heard all about Jenna, and they plan to use her to their advantage." I think maybe you could rearrange the wording into something like, "While Jenna is struggling with the norms on the inside, she doesn't know that the Cordel's, who are sending in scouts after hearing all about her, plan on finding her and using her to their advantage."
Blah, I went on a rant trying to make my point. Sorry. But yeah, essentially what I'm trying to say is that I personally think some word rearranging could help a lot. Once again, you don't have to use any this if you don't want to, but feel free if you do.
- May :)
P.S. Yesterday, when I saw this, I showed it a couple of my friends who were at my house. They were both really interested and one of them asked who the book was by, so she could get it. They said that if/when it gets published, they'd totally read it.
HUZZAH! Third time *is* the charm!
DeleteAww May! I love your comments. Whenever I see your name pop up, I know I'm about to read something worthwhile!
DeleteFirstly, it sounds like you know a fair bit about queries. That's the first time I've got that 'perspective' advice and it make a lot of sense. I'm glad I read this before I did the rewrite.
I too love books where the MC has some head-issues (as long as it's not based on anything real). When you get halfway through the book, and aren't exactly sure you can trust the things you're told, it makes it that like bit more interesting.
I have to say, your friends sound like my type of people ;P