It's now less than 6 hours until I can enter my pitch for Deana's GUTGAA pitch contest. It is this contest that could get my work in front of an agent if I'm lucky enough. I have tough competition though, from hundreds of other hopefuls. And they're good - I've seen the pitches I'm up against.
So I want - no NEED - your help! I've had my pitch critiqued and revised based on some of the comments I've had.
I'm still having my doubts about whether it's ready though, which is where you dear people come in.
First, does my pitch get your attention? Second, are there any big issues you can spot? And third, does it completely suck?
PLEASE be honest. I don't want to hear how great it is unless you legitimately think that. Otherwise, it doesn't help at all. So here goes.
Come to Florende, they said. You’ll be safe there, they said.
Jenna Rose has found out she’s a majesty with the power to copy another’s gift. For safety, her whole family is relocated to Florende, a military capitol and safe haven from the Cordels, where Jenna attends a school that teaches her control and defence. When she graduates, she too can protect the city.
It’s been fifteen years since the Cordel’s last attacked so no one really knows what the majesties are still protecting them from. The norms are sick of the oppression. They’re over doing the dirty jobs while the majesties host parties and fancy combat events. Jenna’s sister is one of those norms. And she’s not used to being overlooked.
While the norms are causing trouble inside Florende, the Cordel’s are sending in their scouts. They’ve heard all about Jenna, and they plan to use her to their advantage. What they haven’t heard is that every time Jenna uses her power, her sanity slips that little bit over the edge. She’s sure something big is coming. She’s seen the signs, witnessed the unexplainable; the only thing lacking is evidence. The problem is, Jenna can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s in her head.
Florende is collapsing from the inside.
Jenna’s sister is helping to bring it down.
The Cordel’s are getting ready on the outside.
And, little-by-little, Jenna feels like she’s losing control.
You’ll be safe there, they said. They were wrong.
I was contemplating changing 'they' in the first and last sentences to 'he' as it doesn't make a massive difference. And I'm super worried that all the editing has torn my 'voice' from the page.
I don't know. That's why I need help.
What did you think?